As I sit with tears running down my face, feeling overwhelmed by the myriad of emotionz and feelingz I’ve recently experienced. This is the seventh month of me sharing fun ThingZ, Happy ThingZ, Political ThingZ, Favorite ThingZ, etc… However, this month I have been extremely overwhelmed by ThingZ that were literally weighing me down. Y’all, when I say my nose stayed red from crying. I cried for a week straight-without prompting. My eyes filled up and down the tears ran. How was I ever going to be able to write a Post for this month. There are of course, a number of very important thingz going on in the world. However, I couldn’t even begin to Blog because I was overflowing with emotionz and feelingz! I started and restarted this month’s post over and over again. How could I Blog about other stuff, when I clearly had ‘ThingZ’ I needed to address with my mental state? Each time I wrote, it just wouldn’t flow.
Hell, I couldn’t stop crying! That said, with the focus I have made on ensuring my Whole self is Well: Mind, Body, Spirit & Soul, I decided that since we have been in a relationship for seven months; we have built a rapport. #LoveIt
Understanding that many of my emotionz may not necessarily be new. It’s just the sheer experience and absorption from my mental state for which it became too much. #mentalhealthmatterZ
That said, I’m going to share the 'Mental Melt-DownZ' I experienced with the Prayer that it helps someone!
With me being in this mental space, I am thankful for the AMAZING Hubbs’ for which the last year has brought us a lot closer. We speak to each other giving specific examples as to how thingz make us feel, be it good and/or bad. Also, I chat it up with my son, however; he is 16. I can share somethingz with my Daughter; however, she’s just that- my Daughter. I can share with my Mom, but as a Mom, they automatically want to fix ‘All ThingZ’ their child encounters, and take his or her pain- no matter the age! A Mom does not want her child to be sad, to hurt, feel discouraged, feel anything, but GOOD! Though my relationship with my Mom is ever-evolving to an Adult Space of Friendship within the relationship, I couldn’t chat with her. I still really couldn’t articulate what I was feeling as it pertained to
my emotionz lately!
The reality is, I couldn’t point out one thing alone that I was sad about. Nor was there one thing I am unhappy about. It’s like ‘All ThingZ’, yet NOT!
As I journeyed this very different space. One of the difficult Spaces I am struggling with emotionally, is my role as Mother to a Pre-Emerging Adult Daughter. We’ll call her Sweet Pea!
The many months of carrying. That first kick feeling evidence of the beautiful life growing inside me. Those initial kicks and moves, feeling like Butterfly Wings fluttering, as it beautifully glides through the air. Evolving to definitive kicks and moving around within the safe, warm, space of a my Womb. Playing Mozart through earphones to my growing baby. Often thinking about, what he/she will be like? Appreciating every day, week and month; reading ‘What To Expect While Expecting’. That time seemed like it was just yesterday! LOL! It really does feel like time flew.
From TaeKwondo to Soccer. Soccer to Dance. All those Saturday outingz to the mall to ride the Merry-Go-Round. And face-painting was a must! Themed Birthday parties, even though she cried through parties one through three. LBS!! From a 'Seventeen In the City' themed party at the Radisson, where her ‘Cool’ Cousin came to Chaperone. Many road trips with her dance company. We had a ball! Then off to college, she went!! #C/O18
Sweet Pea went off to College several weeks after turning 18. So to me, she was too young. But, I let go!!
As Sweet Pea journeys her Space of a pre-Adulting college student, I remember my college dayz and the lessonz learned. And most definitely thankful for the lessonz I learned from ‘Big Z’ as my Ace refers to my Mom as. I now, more than ever appreciate the many learningz along the way. Some Good. Some Bad. Some Indifferent. Taking ‘All ThingZ’ and adding it to my space of Mom.
Fast forward to current day, she finished her sophomore year with a 4.0. #SoProud
She’s been working this Summer. #SheMakeHerOwnMoney I am proud of where we are because the first Summer back home after her Freshmen year was not what I'd expected. Well, that first week was hell! This Joka came home, and it was like a whirlwind. Where in the Frek was my Baby-Girl?!!!!!! The one I chatted with every day? I had been preparing for the same, yet older Daughter that had left just the prior Fall. The one that I switched to an iPhone for. Yes, I wanted to be able to FaceTime whenever I wanted to.
I was going to say, nobody told me how much my Sweet Pea would change after her first year of college. However, my Dear Friend and Soror said “Z, remember to give her some time to adjust when she comes home. It’s going to be tough. So don’t be too hard on her.” So hearing that, I’d prepared myself and was ready for her to come home for the summer.
What I had not taken into account, was the fact that she too is ‘ever-evolving’. To me, she was my little girl. However, she is ‘Being’ the strong, independent, God-Fearing, focused, integrity-filled, Black woman her Dad I raised her to be.
As a parent, you want all the best for your children. Then, there comes a time where you have to start weaning off the control aspect of parenthood/Motherhood. For me, it is important for Motherhood to ever-evolve to a natural, organic, and genuine relationship. One that endures and is cultivated through the years. This was something I wanted to be intentional about to avoid bumps my Mom and I had during this phase.
To some, this may not be stressful. However, for me, I want healthy relationships with my children in every phase of life. As we each continue to ‘ever-evolve’ it is important to acknowledge feelingz and have hard conversations about 'All ThingZ' that matter. To us individually and collectively. My prayer for my family and its legacy is that no matter what; we continue to focus on healthy communicative exchanges that make us better.
As for my Black Son , there’s
an old wives tale regarding 'Black Mothers’. We “raise our
daughters and love our sons.” This statement, in my opinion, is
another piece of Black culture that in my mind is a generational
curse and needs to ‘evolve’ to meet the needs of today’s 'Evolved' - Black
Sons.
That being said, I declare that I will continue to unconditionally LOVE and RAISE my Black Son. I am forever Grateful that he loves his Momma unconditionally.
How do I know?
Y’all I had a complete Mom-Tantrum with my Son. This incident sent me to my room for the next two days. Yet he loved me through it, even though he had jokes once he knew I was doing better!
This interaction was yet another indicator that my Space as Mom was being compromised.
What I mean is, during my normal dayz of being Mom if I ask my son to do something and he doesn’t move immediately. I’ll give him a moment or two. Then I come back and say “Hey Asshole, do what your Mom told you to do!” I follow up with the respective levels of threats, if needed! That said, he’s been able to decipher when he needs to move expeditiously. Even though, to me, he is slower than I would like. #it’srelative Most importantly, crying was definitely not the way I parented and my son was for sure was not accustomed to me crying over him not doing something I’ve told him to do.
WHAT HAPPENED??
Well, during one of my emotional momentz last week I went to take my future licensed Barber’s measurements for his uniform needed for Barber College. I knocked and entered his room and said “Hey Babe, I need to take your measurements so I can order your pants.” Nice and simple, right? Well, he responded with “Ma, I’ll do it later. Why do we need measurements, it’s a pair black pants?” I knew he didn’t know how; first and foremost. So, I said again “stand up so I can take your measurements!” Being the little asshole he can sometimes be, his response was “Yeeaaaaa, you need to take my measurements for a pair of pants?” My son’s response took me out. I lost it, walked out of the room. I could feel the tears filling up my tear ducts and were about to pour, yet again!! #Dammit Walking to the kitchen to put the measuring tape in the ‘Junk Drawer’ I turn back around….
Opening my son’s bedroom door, I went off!!
“All I do for you and your Sister and all you two do is push back. I am your number one fan. Why the hell don’t you just listen and do what I tell you to do. I’m doing this for you!” Mind you, tears are rolling down my face. Snot began to drip from my red nose. And this little punk says “Mom, are you crying?” His entire face scrunched up as though I was forcing him to eat his broccoli steamed w/out any seasoning. He was completely disgusted. And I was completely pist!! Typically, I don’t cry unless I’m sad, hurt, happy, ready to punch someone, or watching one of my Favs, like ‘Beaches”….
However, on this particular night, I was balling my eyes out because my asshole son would not let me take his pant measurements.
'Perspective Check'
If it was a necessity, it would be the norm. Right? Let’s just say, he is 16 years of age and I have bought whole suits for him, not knowing his measurements. All it took was my Mom-SenZ, with my Sweet Pea or; my Sorors shopping with me that knows style and fashion. The point is, I had never needed to take his measurements before. So to him, I was being a weirdo. From his perspective, I’d been taking care of this aspect of his life for this long. So why the heck were measurements needed? Right now at this moment.
The innocence, and the look on his face of “What the Heels is wrong with my Mother?” made me feel even worse. I’d literally had a whole Mom-Tantrum. I walk heavy anyway, and yes I stumped back to his door like Oprah walked towards Whoopi in the Color Purple. That said, this incident provided a mirror for me to see how I was affecting my relationship with my Son; over a pair of pants. Struggling to type this because I was a bit embarrassed because I wasn’t able to keep it together.
In addition to my Son ticking me off, earlier that week I had texted Sweet Pea. I told her that I was disappointed that she hadn’t been home. I even sent a text about appreciating family. Then I FaceTimed her at 1 a.m. and she didn’t answer. I responded with a message stating “How could you not answer your Mother’s FT?”
I was really pissed she didn’t answer. I always answer for everyone crossed my mind. And now my own daughter wasn’t answering and she hadn’t been home in months. Five to be exact!! Just Sayin... Following this Mom-Tantrum, Sweet Pea called me and I didn’t answer. Something was going on with me and I needed some space to process. Most importantly, I was not going to react. My relationship with my children is important!!
At this juncture, I’d lashed out at my children, and Hubbs’ knew I was unpacking emotionz I had never experienced before. So he pretty much respected the space I needed and loved me even harder. The way for which my man handled me caused me to constantly want to ‘Bed’ him. LBVS! Hubbs’ was gentle, endearing, humble, forgiving, and kind…. He also made sure I didn’t wither away, being the size 1 I am and all! LOL!
For the next two days, I didn’t answer my phone and I stayed in my room. Sweet Pea called once I entered my room on day one; however, I didn’t answer. I was not about to be bullied by my children. At that point, they were both Assholes and I know my Son called his Big Sister following I 'Melt-Down'!! I was going through feelingz and emotionz I hadn’t experienced before, and it was imperative that I get my mental state in order.
The Making Of My Melt-Down
As I sat in my chair, knees to my chest, watching movies. I’d cry, then feel a little better. Pray. Review notes from Church. Read scriptures. Journaled. My Mom called me. I responded with, “In Quiet-Time. Will call you back.”
An Example of ‘Ever-Evolving' & A Win: Mom reading that text and not telling me off.
When we did chat, she said “You’re worse than you weird-ass kids.” I cracked up. Through my journey of ‘ever-evolving’ I know that this is my Mom’s way of respecting my space and my process. This is a Space we have truly ‘ever-evolved’ to. #AllLove #Grateful
As I sat there, I thought about the number of thingz going on in my life. Walking through the space of each and reflecting. Thinking about where I was a year ago. All the changes. How Blessed I am. The Favor I’ve had. I thought about boundaries as it pertained to various relationships. This month’s blog posts. My novel. Was I meeting the plan I established? Most importantly, why was I feeling the way I felt? Acknowledging my mental state and needing to address said Space, because ‘My Mental Health MatterZ’. I began to reflect…
ReflectionZ…
For the past 22 years, 21 of them I spent working in a career where I made thingz happen. I was successful, I was approachable, I led training for HR Policy and Procedures, assisted leadership with composing and administering performance memos. Consolidated differing functions and watched them thrive. I was accused of discriminating against white employees. And talked to because my peers were uncomfortable with the number of Black employees that came to see me as a Leader. I was made to feel like my contributions were invaluable. Even though on paper I was doing well. #mindfuc'd As a senior leader told me how far he would allow me to go, if I didn’t comply with a lie. Yet I still smiled through. #weatheringisREAL
Years of Striving for excellence, even to the day I turned in my badge.
After collecting the badges of my Team, I held back tears and said farewell to an amazing leader that God knew I needed as I journeyed through the days leading up to our close.
Walking from his office back to my soon to be old team area, I looked around. The tears absorbed before falling. As I walked the aisles making sure all was good, I smiled and said “God, I’m ready. I don’t know what is in store, however I know you got me and I’m trusting you.” I grabbed my backpack, water bottle, gift bag and walked out with full confidence that ‘All ThingZ’ would work together for my Good....
For the first time in 21 years, I would no longer have that ‘eagle fly’ every two weeks into my account. I would no longer have that extra couple hundred stack up in the Fun Account. That little amount for benefits taken out monthly, compared to the thousands per month for insurance for a family of four, in the months to come I’d be responsible for.
During my 21 year career, I grew in a myriad of wayz. I weathered racial matterz and at the end of my career I began to speak up in wayz that brought notice to unconscious biases. Even if never publicly acknowledged. That alone with unpacking and constantly trying to retrain my mind from the weathering I endured. Unfortunately, those traumatic ones if not addressed will self- sabotage success and I was not going to allow that to occur.
As I experienced my melt-down, I realized I was actually still dealing with the loss of my career, no matter the trauma endured. #It’sAProcess
However, once I was able to sit in a quiet space and truly address my feelingz and emotionz, I was beginning to understand the overflowing of emotionz I was currently enduring. In addition to the thingz above, I was also grappling with :
Chartering new Spaces as I navigate mothering my Pre-Emerging Daughter, as she too ‘ever-evolves'
Being Intentional as I mother my Black Son, by Raising & Loving him unconditionally; as he ‘ever-evolves’ in a world that continues to demonstrate disregard for his life
Working through the ‘weathering’ endured in a very white corporate career (1776’ers & Privileged Whites)
Continuously cultivating my relationship with the 'Love of My Life'
Adjusting to loss of a very comfortable salary because I chose to not relocate
Being intentional with cultivating my relationship with my Mom
How any good human could support our current administration
The level of negativity exhibited by Black People when Biden announced Harris as his VP #Seriously
Was once Harris was announced, her Blackness was ‘White Washed’. She was no longer the 'Black Senator'. Immediately, we began to hear of her ancestry. Please know, this is no disrespect to Ms. Shamala. Heck, per Senator Harris’ speech at the DNC; her Mom acknowledged her daughters as ‘Black’. However, it is the continual ‘White Wash’ administered when there is success within the Black Community. At any level… ‘Their’ standard of what ‘Black’ people should be is based on the 400+ year of pedagogics & mind fuc’ary as it pertains to ‘All ThingZ’ Black. #JustSayin
How I can positively impact Change, prior to and as; Biden & Harris Build Back Better? #MIDem #DemzTrained
With the number of ThingZ keeping me up, I was definitely working through matterz of which enhanced my ‘Mental Melt- Down’. Life happenz, I get that! However, everything seemed to be forming into a heaviness that was becoming overwhelming and a bit unbearable.
Additional ReflectionZ
As I continue to pursue a closer relationship with
my Father. #Daddy’sGirl. I pay Tithes and Offering. Pray Daily (throughout the day). Study the Word. Like I am literally putting God first in ‘All ThingZ’!
During the time in my room, I listened to gospel music to start my dayz. In doing so, the song ‘Let Go’ by DeWayne Wood came on. When I tell you this song ministered to me, Mind, Body, Spirit & Soul!! It did! I’ve heard the song before, yet this time at that very moment- it gave me LIFE! I literally cried as I sang, feeling every word. Hands raised, me in my quiet space,
‘Ever-evolving’ through a ‘Mental- Meltdown’.
With ‘Let Go’ and Matthew 6:33-34 ministering to me in unimaginable wayz. I prayed to God for strength, direction and most importantly for peace and discipline to live daily by Faith NOT Sight!
As I was reminded of the fact that God wants me to completely surrender. Crying out to Him will get His attention. And it did! I am also reminded of how my family has been kept. He has provided above and beyond our needs, even though I chose not to relocate.
Let me be clear, when I say ‘I chose…’. That was a decision I prayed about and my Hubbs’ & I had a great deal of conversations regarding the best choice for our family.
Though it has been a year, and the reality of this life change is hitting me, I am confident in God’s Plan for my life. It is okay for my children to see me vulnerable. The most important part for me, is to be able to articulate my experiences with them; and now with my 'Ever-Evolving Fam'! Much Gratitude!!
How I am today, as I post this month’s content? I am completely thankful for the process God has taken me through. I will continue to focus on pursuing and journeying this life according to His Purpose for me. Do I know what that entails? Not at all! However, I will stay focused on HIM. Additionally, I will continue to live Intentionally to ensure I am aligning with all the Spaces God is relying on me to occupy.
For the first time in my adult life, I have been given the opportunity to be a 'Domestic Engineer'. Years past, I didn’t have the desire to stay home. However, God has prepared me for such a time as this. This also pertainz to accomplishing the goalz I have set for solidifying a strong foundation for the Legacy of Hubbs and I.
Prayer, Persistence & Production...~Rev. C. Moore Sr.
As I wrap up this month’s post, I want to say again, Much Gratitude for rolling with me for seven months. I’m excited for what the future holds for ‘Ever-Evolving w/ Dinky Rose...She Blogs! For the 'Mom of It', I'd love to hear about your 'Mom-TantrumZ', please share in the comments; or send it to zenda@allthingzdinkyrose.com.
And as alwayz, it is my prayer that each of you obtain at least a Nugget!
Amor,
~Dinky Rose en constante evolución